DNA:Damn-Not-Again
by Chemtest
Summary: A man is thrown into a situation beyond his control, accidently does stuff.
1. Rise

He sits at a table, tilting back his glass and consuming the amber liquid within.

His eyes glare at those around him, roudy, rude, rash, human. It is his greatest shame to be a part of the same race as them. They are capitalized by a pair of glasses, making his glare all the more obvious from a squint. No body comes around the young looking boy, except for the bartender.

He orders up another glass of whiskey, wishing to enjoy one of the few good things his fellow humans have ever done. If he cannot isolate himself away physically, then he will mentally.

But his plan is ruined as someone takes a seat across from him.

A tall, weightless figure in purple robes that flow in a nonexistent wind. When he speaks, his voice seems to reverberate in the filled room, "Hello there. I am Edis, God of Endings."

He glares at the tall figure, "Austin. And I expect you to not call me anything but that. Please tell me, why the hell are you annoying me?"

Edis nods, "Well, if I am being honest, I am here to make sure that you don't move from this table."

He laughs, and stands up, "Well, allow me to be the cause for your failure in that mission."

Edis gets up, and follows after him, "What, don't want to enjoy a few more drinks? It is your Twenty First, after all. How about I pay for a few more?"

He looks back, "I can afford my own death-water, I don't need your charity. Now, how about you get the hell out of my face before I force you away?"

Edis shrugs, "You can try, but you don't have enough time."

He glares, "What are you talking about?"

With the last word coming out of his mouth, the screaming starts. All around him, Irish men and women start to run, looking up into the sky.

He looks up himself, only to see the sky rip itself apart with a white, holy light. A bridge of light seems to be falling right towards the ground from the sky, and winged figures fly out of the fissure.

He is then shaken as the ground below him opens, a hellish red light painting the previously dark streets. Huge, red men crawl up from the crevice, each carrying a different weapon and wearing different armors. A bridge of hellfire starts to rise from the ground.

Edis smiles, and shoves him onto the path where the two bridges will collide, "Have a good trip."

He looks up as the holy light crashes down upon him, mixing with the hellish light on the spot where he stands.

The pressure crushes him in every conceivable way, breaking each atom beyond their electromagnetic force.

It eventually becomes too much, and his body relents to the different energies going through it.

He is shot across the universe in a quantum slingshot, his conscious mind retreating into his glasses, leaving his Id and Superego to take over his body, even as it changes form.

—

Chem shoots awake from the dream, panting deeply. He reaches a hoof up to his head, and feels a bit of cold sweat below his horn.

He takes a second before exiting his shoddily constructed wooden cabin. He picks up a bottle of whiskey he left outside to chill, and takes a deep sip from it.

He sighs in contentment, and looks at a set of rallies on a wooden plank he has carried with him. He marks another on there, and counts, "Hmm... one hundred and fifty three. That's... five months? Yeah, sounds like five months."

He looks around his makeshift camp, right on the outskirts of Ponyville.

He learned quickly that towns, cities, and even the tiniest hamlet were a no-go for him. He would be chased around by crazy mares demanding that he be captured and given a mare escort. From the moment he stepped hoof out of Tall Tale, he has been living as a rouge. After all, he can't produce whiskey worth a damn, so he has to get it from somewhere.

He smiles, and activates his magic.

He uses one of the most useful abilities in his new body. He can command energy, called mana, to do his will. And apparently, unlike other unicorns, he can use it to reconstruct matter into a different form.

Right now, he simply takes a bunch of leaves from around him, and makes a camouflaged suit to blend into the Forest.

He would just walk, but his body does not carry many natural colors. A dirty grey is only useful in winter, and neon teal doesn't really blend into anywhere anytime of the year, so his hair and mane are a unkempt cause. Not to mention his bright blue eyes that will pierce any chance of anypony looking past him.

So he wears his camouflage, and walks to the town, ready to scout it out.

He eventually arrives after a short walk, and he instantly spots his target.

Berry Punch's Alcohol.

His smile widens even further, and he watches the building intently.

—

The store has long since closed, yet Berry Punch herself has not come out. Yet, being twelve at night, she is either sleeping or too drunk to notice him.

He quietly pushes open the door, Ponyville having such low crime rates, they leave their doors unlocked.

He enters, and the moonlight shines in just enough for him to read the different labels on his tasty treasures.

He smiles, seeing the moonlight reflecting off an amber liquid.

He reaches up, taking the bottle of whiskey, and slipping it into a makeshift bag.

He then turns around, and accidentally jumps back when he sees a mare sleeping in a chair. She isn't awake, to his luck.

However, not to his luck, are the bottles of alcohol that start to tip over.

One by one, they all fall over.

The first is a 'Damn Daiquiri'.

Then a 'Why Is This Happening Whiskey'.

Next is a 'Bollix Bourbon'.

Finally, is a 'Oh Shit Sarsaparilla'.

They all shatter on the floor, and each shatter causes Chem to flinch.

Berry Punch doesn't stir at all.

Chem sighs in relief, until he sees another bottle fall over.

The cover is of a raised hoof, called the 'Fuck You Vodka'.

When it shatters against the floor, Berry Punch awakes.

Chem smiles as the mare gasps at him, "Well, shit, this isn't according to plan. If you don't mind, I'm going to just skedaddle before I fuck up even more." He then takes a bottle of wine from her hooves, "I hope you don't mind, really, but I gotta satisfy my thirst, you know? So please don't be a cunt and-"

She starts screaming.

He sighs, "Start screaming in fear. Really, you'd think more people would listen to that suggestion, but nope! They just want to worm their vocal cords!" He smiles, "Well, thanks for the whiskey! Goodnight!"

With this said, Chem flees from the store.

He runs into the Everfree Forest, creating an odd 'whooping' sound along the way.

—

The sun rises in the distance, and Chem is dancing around the fire in the middle of his camp.

He takes a deep swig from his whiskey bottle, and laughs in joy.

"It's time to sing the campfire song!

And it's not stopping 'til the alcohol's gone!

So it's gonna last all day long!

Until the dawn is long bygone!"

He takes a swig from the wine in his other telekinesis, and throws more logs on the fire.

"For my name is Chem,

Alcohol is my greatest gem!

Out here in the great big wood!

I'd drink for longer if I could!"

He continues his nonsensical dance around the fire, only to have a pink blur come shooting out of the Forest, and take the wine from his telekinesis.

The new pink pony chugs the entire thing down, and smiles as well.

"Well I hate to see you dance all alone,

For what's the point of a song if it's not well known?

For my name is Pinkie Pie,

So let's drink and sing til the bottle and our throat is dry!"

Chem smiles, and they link arms. They spin around, kicking their hooves out as they sing.

"For what's the point of a drink if you don't have a friend!

If nopony heard it, what's the point of a song in the end?

So rise your glass up high and take a drink!

For the campfire some now has a singer who is pink!"

They break their arm connection, and get ready to sing even further.

They never get the chance, as a mare shouts out, "Stop right there!"

Chem stops in his tracks, right in the middle of a swig. He finishes the drink, keeping eye contact all the while.

Princess Twilight glares at him, "You know stallions aren't allowed to have alcohol! And why did you break into Berry Punch's store?!"

Chem sighs, and picks up the bottle in his hooves, "Look, do you really want to do this? Let me tell you, you don't, so how about you just move along? Live and let live, right? Or will you be a cunt instead?"

Twilight lights up her horn, "I will take you back to Ponyville, and we will find a mare to help you, please? It's obvious you aren't well."

Chem smirks, his horn lighting up very slightly. A branch moves form a tree to right behind Twilight's head, "Sure, catch me if you can!"

He swings the branch, knocking it into the back of her head, and knocking her out cold.

A blue mare, Rainbow Dash, lands in the clearing, "Where's the mare that did that!?"

Chem shakes his head, "There is no mare, only me. So come on, face my Irish wrath!"

He puts up his hooves in a boxing stance, only to be punched in the face by Rainbow flying at high speeds.

He goes flying back, and crashes through the walls of his ramshackle cabin. The entire building collapses, but he luckily landed just on the other side.

A bit of blood leaks from his muzzle, which he lets soak in.

The bottle of whiskey lands right next to him, which he picks up.

He takes a swig of it whist still laying down.

He sighs, "It's gonna be one of those days, isn't it?"


	2. Mister-Irish

Rainbow lands where she started, and laughs as Applejack walks in, "Did you see that?! He was all like 'face my wrath' and I sent him flying!"

Applejack shakes her head, "Rainbow, you might be strong, but you're an idiot. We are supposed to capture him, not kill him!"

Chem picks himself up, and shuffles toward them through the rubble of his cabin. He lifts up the bottle, and drinks the last of it, "If you think you can take me down like that, then think again! My loose limbs can stop the treachery of physics, don't you know? So how about you walk away, or I'm gonna actually get angry."

Rainbow smiles, and looks towards Applejack, "Fine then, let's see you do better!"

Applejack takes out a lasso, and starts to swing it around, "Watch and learn, sugarcube!"

She throws it at him, and ties him up.

Chem looks down at the rope, and sighs as he activates his magic, "I am not a horse, lady! Wait... shit! I am!" He cuts the lasso into pieces, and looks towards her, "But I am not into BDSM!" He smiles, and stretches his legs, "I suppose it's time to pull out my famous move!"

Applejack smiles as she pulls what's left of the rope towards her, "Oh yeah? And what might your 'famous move' be, partner?"

Chem starts to rush towards her, his legs flowing over the ground, "This!"

He jumps up into the air as he gets closer to her, and starts to get into the position.

He kicks his legs out, and shouts, "Dropkick!"

His legs strike something, and he falls onto his back.

He breathes in harshly, "Oh, that felt so good. Popped my knee! That's had a creak in it all day!"

Applejack looks down at him, her hat missing from her head. She snorts, "You kicked my hat."

Chem looks at the hat in the Everfree dirt, "Let me guess, important family heirloom?" She nods, and he nods back, "So you want to make me pay now?"

She nods, "Yep."

Chem smiles, "Alright then. Well, let's get started with an actual fight."

Applejack tries to stomp down with her front hooves, only to have Chem roll out of the way.

He uses the momentum from the roll to spin around to his hooves.

Rainbow shouts, "I'll flank him!"

Chem looks at the two's positions as Rainbow flies behind him. He quickly charges towards Applejack, causing her to buck with her back hooves.

Chem jumps up, using her hooves as a jumping pad.

He flies through the air in a back flip, until he finds himself right above Rainbow Dash.

He summons his strength into a downward stomp, sending her flying into the ground. He then falls right down on top of her, delivering a nice falling kick to her wing. He cringes at the sound of a broken bone, and a pained scream.

He returns to all four hooves, and faces Applejack, "See, lass, you underestimate me. I got the luck on ten clovers in me side!" He raises into a bipedal stance, and faces her, "Show me your moves!"

She charges towards him, not noticing as he takes out a bottle.

She turns around to buck him, allowing Chem under her as he ducks. He shoves up with his head, and bowls her over. He walks up to her as she stands, and whacks her on the head with the bottle, knocking her out.

He turns around as he hears Rainbow scream, "You broke my wing! Do you know how long that's gonna take to heal!?" She glares at him, "I have come this far, I am not letting you get away!"

Chem takes a step back, "Fuck, you're one persistent cunt, aren't you?" He shrugs, "Looks like it's time to run away."

He does just as he says. He rushes into the Forest, dodging every branch that comes his direction.

He hears Rainbow behind him, plowing down anything in the way. Her adrenaline is apparently a very, very powerful tool.

Chem smiles as he sees a cave entrance ahead, and he books it towards there, "No, stop! That's Tartarus, you'll die in there!"

Chem rises into a bipedal form once more, only to show Rainbow a single hoof, "Fuck you, I am going in anyway!"

She chases after him with renewed vigor, but her determination is naught before the power of whiskey.

Chem rushes into the cave, laughing all the while.

He looks back to see Rainbow doesn't follow him in, only to run into something furry.

He looks up.

Red gates stand there, covered with spikes. And in front of them stands the thing he ran into.

Cerberus glares down at him, growling.

Chem smiles, "Might this be the wrong time to mention that I am a cat person?"

Cerberus howls into the air, and gives chase to the fleeing Chem.

Chem nods, "Yep, was definitely the wrong time!"

He then runs into something else as he exits the cave. Rainbow looks at him, "Oh, good, you came to your senses! Are you ready to go back and find your mare? Because I'm ready to make you ready."

Chem turns around, and walks back into the cave, "I think I prefer the dog."

He walks back up to Cerberus, and pets the main head, "Hey, I also like dogs quite a lot. Lot more than ponies, at least."

The gates open behind Cerberus, and a dark, yet joyful voice speaks, "Oh, Cerberus, do we have a visitor!?"

Chem looks around the dog to see a demon. Tall, red, human, with horns coming out of his head.

The demon looks at him, "Oh, we do! Come in, come in, Tartarus has the best hospitality! You want some whiskey?" He smiles, "I am Pony Satan, by the way."

Chem smiles back, "Chem. You said you have whiskey?"

Satan nods, "You bet your ass we do!"


	3. Pony-Satan

Pony Satan grabs off two full bottles of whiskey from the shelf, and slams them down on a table. He twists shape of the bottle into that of a big glass with his hellish magic.

Chem looks at the table, and focuses himself. He uses his ability to change matter in order to make two chairs from the stone below them.

They take a seat, drinking whiskey as they look over Tartarus. Chem smiles, "So, you rule over Tartarus?"

Satan takes a swig, and shrugs, "Depends on how you really think about it. Sure, a lot of demons look to me as a leader, but I have absolutely no power over what the hell happens down there. Stapus, Chaogat, Pos, Luvaca, Tirek, Corrugat, they all hold the real power down there. Ah, there was a time I ruled over Tartarus, it was a utopia for creatures to work off their sins! Now, the trade routes are nonexistent and there's only been one visitor in a century."

Chem turns to look at him, "Well, what the hell happened?"

Satan sighs, "Celestia invaded so she could steal away all the stallions we had. She ended up being mad at us fighting back, so she took over completely. Worse turns to worse, and a revolution causes power to be split into the six. Ah, at least we made her pissed. She was so pissed, she decided to place a curse on every creature in Tartarus! Now, we are all bipedal, and they are ageless! Not to mention the fact that she took a large majority of our population, so we had a problem there."

Chem shakes his head, "Yeah, Celesta's a real cunt, isn't she?"

Satan smiles, "Now there's a statement I can drink to! Nopony on the surface seems powerful enough to stop her either, so she is unhindered!" He looks at Chem, and his eyes widen, "Wait... a grey unicorn with an odd accent and an affinity for whiskey... hot damn."

Chem looks at him, "What?"

Satan nods, "Say, Chem, how would you like to lead a revolution against Celestia?"

Chem squints his eyes at the odd question, "Well, sure, that sounds wonderful. But I couldn't do it alone."

Satan stands from the seat, and moves further away from the cliff face they drink on, "Come on, then."

Chem follows him, "What are you doing?"

Satan stops, and turns to face Chem, "I have information you need, but I need to make sure of something first." He puts up his fists, "Fight me. No magic, just physical. No weapons either."

Chem nods, and gets into his bipedal fighting stance, "Just a friendly spar? Alright, I'm good with that."

Satan nods, "Fight!"

Satan charges towards him, and enters into a swift dive kick. Chem jumps over his body, landing right on the ground as Satan sticks his claws into the stone.

He uses it to turn around, and do a sweeping kick instead. Chem flips over this, planning to land on top of Satan's head, and deliver a kick to it.

But as he nears the head, Satan's hand grasps his hoof, and slams him into the ground next to him.

Chem recovers quickly, and both fighters face each other, not a single bruise on either.

Satan goes in with a punch to the head, and a kick to the chest.

Chem stumbles closer to Satan, causing his attacks to overshoot. Chem uses his own kick combo.

He kicks Satan's unused leg, so that he falls over onto one knee. Chem then lashes out with his leg once more, kicking Satan in the head.

He flips into the air as Satan is knocked down, and stomps down on his chest.

Satan manages to roll over at the last second, and hook Chem down with by grabbing the stomping leg. They start to tangle on the ground, with both sending out kicks at each other.

Eventually, Satan takes the opportunity to stand. This causes Chem to spin up using his from hooves, and fly at Satan with his rear. The attack lands, and Satan falls over with Chem standing on top of him.

Chem moves his hoof to Satan's neck, and smiles, "It's over."

Satan summons a knife in one hand, and tries to stab Chem, causing him to retreat.

Satan charges towards Chem with the knife, and they begin another fight.

Satan tries all sorts of slashes and stabs, and Chem either stumbles out of the way, or manages to block them.

Satan smiles, and goes for an over-head stab downwards.

Chem blocks it with his foreleg, and twists Satan's arm around, causing him to drop the knife. He uses his other hoof to punch Satan in the face, and send him flopping down.

Satan looks towards the knife, and Chem does too. He reaches out a hoof, almost like he is about to pick it up, but he kicks it off into the depths of Tartarus instead.

He looks down at Satan, "It's over!"

Satan smiles, and nods, "It is true, you are the one!" He looks over the cliff, "That knife was to see if you would show mercy or not."

Chem gets off him, and helps him up, "I will never kill anyone. Ever."

Satan nods, "Very good. Now I can feel confident by telling you the information." He points out the gates, "There exists a resistance group of very smart, powerful, and influential ponies. In Ponyville is the stallion, Time Turner. He is not as smart as my Time Lord brother, granted, but he is a very smart pony nonetheless. Knock on his door five times, and ask him if he has directions to Eternity."

Chem nods, "Ok."

Satan opens the gates, and points, "Go, quickly! Princess Twilight will be waking up soon, and she cannot see you enter his house! Ride Cerberus, he'll take you there!"

Chem runs out to Cerberus, who waits for him with heads down.

Chem climbs on top of the heads, and smiles, "Let's go!"


	4. Hospitality

Chem rushes his way through Ponyville, sending Cerberus on a different path to trick any who might try to track him.

He moves through allyways, using the material from trash bags to have a long, black coat obscure him. He blends in well enough, and he hides behind a dumpster.

Time passes, and eventually an hour has gone by. The moon hangs in the sky, and the only ponies on the streets are guards with lanterns, searching for him.

He stands from the dumpster, and sheds his coat. He instead uses the material on his hooves, so that he may be silent as he sneaks past the guards.

He rushes down ally after ally, the interconnectedness of inner Ponyville making it easy.

However, he suddenly stops as he sees the light of a lantern start to get brighter. He dives behind a dumpster as a guard passes by, who manages to hear his scampering in the corner.

She holds up her lantern, and walks into the ally. She especially hurries as she sees a blue glow from behind the dumpster, akin to how the Princess described the stallion's magic.

She flies around the corner, holding her lantern out, and drawing her sword. She prepares to attack, only to see nothing but a trash bag on the ground.

She stares at the trash, waiting for any sign of movement from inside. Her ears perk, listening for the slightest rustle.

After a minute, she finally sighs, and walks away, "Must have been my paranoia."

Chem waits two minutes more before shedding the trash bag disguise. He gets up, and quickly rushes to the clock store he spotted when spying on Berry Punch's place before.

He makes it without further incident, and looks around to see not a single guard mare in sight.

He knocks five times, loud and clear.

A tan stallion answers the door, a green bow tie hastily thrown onto his neck, and his spiky brown hair not combed. He smiles, "Yes?"

Chem looks in his eyes, the two different shades of blue meeting another, "Do you have directions to Eternity?"

The stallion waves him in, "Get in, before the guard spot you." He shuts the door behind Chem, and smiles, "So, we have a new member? Wonderful! Oh, I'm Time Turner, by the way."

A grey pegasus mare walks down the stairs, her golden eyes looking in different directions, and her yellow hair combed, "Who is it, Timey?"

Time Turner smiles, "A new member of our group, apparently!" He looks back at Chem, "Oh, uh, what is your name, exactly?"

Chem smiles, "My name is Chem Patton, although I ask you just call me Chem."

Turner smiles, "Good, good! Well, this over here is Derpy, she's part of the group and is my beloved marefriend. Oh, you arrived just in time! We were just preparing to go to the meeting at Fancy's!"

Derpy smiles, "We still are preparing, so go and fix up that hair, Turner." She looks at Chem, and balks at the grey color of his coat, "You haven't had a bath in a long time, have you?"

Chem nods, "Can't say I have, been to busy running and drinking. What, don't like the Confederate Grey color?"

Derpy shakes her head, "Well that's unacceptable. We couldn't just allow you to continue to go on with so much dirt all over you! Timey, get the bath ready!"

Time Turner nods, and rushes off, "We going to need extra warm for this?"

Derpy nods, "I doubt that grime will come off easily."

Chem smiles, "No, no, you really don't need to do anything for me. I am perfectly fine staying how I am."

She shakes her head, "And what kind of pony would I be if I didn't clean you up?"

Chem nods, "A good one for making the offer to begin with. So, really, I'm fine."

Derpy smiles, "Fine just isn't good enough for our guest. You will take a bath, and you will feel good, then you can go see the others with a brilliantly shining coat!"

Chem nods, "You aren't letting me say no, are you?"

Derpy nods right on back, "Come on, we've got the bath drawn already."

Time Turner pokes his head out of a room, "You got that shampoo and conditioner Rarity uses?"

Derpy smiles, "In the right side of the cabinet."

Chem shakes his head, "You really don't have to use any type of special product."

Derpy looks back at him, her eyes leaving no argument, "We are going to see what color your coat truly is, no matter the cost."

Time Turner pokes his head out again, grasping the shampoo bottle in his hoof, "Your coat seems a lot like if Rarity's got dirty, and she manages to keep that pure white. So if we use this, we'll get that nice white shine she has."

Derpy nods, "We are not going to stop until you shine."


	5. Friends

Chem looks at himself in the mirror, taking notice of everything.

His previously grey coat now shines a brilliant, pure white, like a diamond forged in the depths of the earth. His horn's spirals are accentuated by the shine on the rest of the horn, polished and shined like a expensive leather shoe. His once unkempt mane is now kept in a more natural, better looking way. It comes together in the front with equally sized three spikes, with his horn at the end of the middle most. His eyes as well almost seem to be brighter, better commutative of his emotions. His hooves also shine the exact same, reflecting like they were made of brass. He smiles, his teeth reflecting light back at themselves.

Time Turner walks up behind him, and smiles widely, "See? Look how much better you are."

Derpy walks out of another room, donning a yellow bow tie, "What color bow tie should he get?"

Time Turner looks back at Chem, "Hmm... how about a nice red?"

Derpy smiles, "Usually you say green."

Turner shrugs, "It would be very odd if he showed up to the first meeting in the same color bow tie as me."

Chem smiles, "A bow tie?"

Turner nods, "Yes, a bow tie. I like bow ties, and you are our guest, so you get a bow tie."

Derpy hands the red bow tie over to Turner, "Here you go."

Turner puts it on over Chem's neck, completed with a white collar that blends perfectly into Chem's clean coat. He smiles, "Ah, wonderful! It looks like the bow tie is just floating there, that adds to the mystery."

Chem turns to the others, "Thank you both for your hospitality."

Turner shakes his head, "Ah, don't worry, we have plenty to spare. Beside, if you are going to join the group, than we need to extend a proper welcome. I expect you will quickly become friends with the others as well."

Chem nods, "Still, thank you."

Derpy smiles, "Speaking of the others, it is time to go."

Turner nods, and starts to walk out of the door, "Come along, Chem, we have a private cabin in a train waiting for us!"

Chem follows after him, "We're taking the train? I thought it would've been something a bit more... subtle."

Turner shrugs, "What's the point of being subtle when there is no one looking for you?"

Chem laughs nervously, "Well, uh, there are people looking for me."

Turner smiles, "Nothing we need to worry about, Chem."

They walk to the train station, and find a guard standing at the tracks. The mare spots them, and walks over to them, "Excuse me, you three, might I speak to you for a moment?"

Turner stops, "Well, whatever is the reason?"

The mare nods, "We are looking for an escaped stallion, and your friend over there matches his description."

Derpy speak now, "And what description is that?"

The mare turns to her, "A grey unicorn stallion with unkempt, teal hair. Average size, blue eyes, and an average horn size. He is also reported as being rude, crude, and roguish."

Chem puts all of his acting skills to use, and backs up in fake shock, "Rude? Crude? You would automatically call me that just because I have a similar color of hair? You wound me, absolutely shock me."

The guard backs up a step in shock, "Well, uh... maybe it isn't you?"

Derpy nods, "I mean, look at him! He is white, not grey, and his hair is very well taken care of!"

The mare sighs, "Okay, okay, it isn't him! But I still am required to ask why he is here."

Turner faces her, "He's a cousin from Minotuaria, and we are taking him to see Canterlot."

The guard nods, "Thank you. Might you have any information on the stallion we are looking for?"

Chem comes up with something before the other two, "I think I saw a stallion who looked a lot like me in town last night. From what I saw, he crawled into a dumpster and didn't come back out for five minutes."

The guard smiles, "Thank you for the information, sir. I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Have a nice day."

Turner smiles back, "Good luck catching that stallion."

They all climb onto the train.

Turner faces Chem as they sit down for the trip, "What did I tell you? Nothing to worry about."

———

The group move into a room in the middle of the mansion, and they see the others have already arrived.

Fancy Pants smiles, "Ah, Turner, Derpy, it's wonderful to see you both again!"

Tuner smiles back, "It's been a long month at the clock shop."

Fancy Pants looks at the other present, "Oh, and who's this?"

Chem smiles, "I am Chem Patton, but please call me Chem."

Fancy Pants nods, "Well met, Chem. I am Fancy Pants, owner of this mansion, and noble."

The others all take turns introducing themselves, starting with another white stallion, "I am Prince Blueblood, but please don't act like I'm not a normal pony."

The small green and purple reptile speaks next, "I'm Spike, the dragon, nice to meet you, dude."

The only other mare at the table speaks up, "And I am Fleur De Lis, although please call me Fleur. I'm wife to Fancy Pants."

Chem smiles, and takes a seat at the table. He nods, "Well, I was told about your group. Smart, powerful, influential, and willing to do something."

Fancy Pants nods, "Well, I believe that might describe us, yes."

Blueblood speaks up, "Although we cannot do much with any of it."

Fleur also speaks, "We have yet to really come up with a working plan."

Turner shrugs, "I've tried my best, but it would be very hard, and require someone very brave to do anything."

Derpy speaks last, "We don't have anypony leading us, and none of us are brave enough to try anything."

Chem nods, "Understandable. You are all frightened of what Celestia will do if she finds out about you."

Spike nods, "Well, yeah, basically. I don't want Twilight to chew my ear off about this."

Chem smiles, "And that is the problem, you are thinking too much of what might happen. Here's what I say, ponies." He looks at all of them as they lean in, "Fuck the consequences, and to hell with the 'if' of anything. Realize what we are fighting for here, ponies! We are not fighting just for ourselves, but for stallions as a whole, present and future! So why the hell should we care what happens to us? We should move in spite of the consequences, in spite of the 'if', and instead look for the 'will'."

Spike nods, "You know, it sounds good, but we would need a plan."

Chem nods, "Correct, Spike." He smiles, "And I have just come up with one. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare your throat singing."


	6. Oh-No

A group of ponies walk through the streets of Canterlot, donning the simple robes of monks from afar. Ponies turn to looks at the odd group as they sing some odd hymns.

"Ra-ra-Rasputin.

Lover of the Russian Queen.

There was a cat who really was gone."

Chem and the others all sing the notes in hushed, deep tones, keeping their hoods up and heads down.

They eventually reach the castle, but two guard mares stop them at the gates, "Halt! State your business!"

Chem smiles underneath his robe, and puts on his best mysterious voice, "We come from far away, wishing to spread our wisdom to your fair Princess. Wishing to give her the vision we have seen."

The guard smiles, "Oh, really? And what, prey tell, is your origin?"

Derpy speaks up from behind Chem, "We come from Sirely, and from the Church of the Calf-Licks."

Chem nods, "We come with a vison sent by Jehllawhey. A vision that must be delivered to your Princess."

The guards look at each other, and shrug. They part ways, "The Princess is open for private meetings today. You'd better hurry though."

They nods, and move into the palace.

Time Tuner whispers into Derpy's ear, "He said Cath-olic, not Calf-Lick."

She shrugs, "Eh, it worked."

Chem smiles, "She is right, it worked."

They start up their songs again, as they move into Celestia's private meeting room.

She looks up as they enter, "Oh, what's this? Visitors?"

Chem nods, "We come, Celestia, to deliver a vision we have received. The Catholics send their well wishes along with a message from our god."

Celestia puts down a book, and adopts a smile, "Well, let's hear it then."

Chem smiles, "Our vision shows your nation as it is right now, with stallions kept down in society. It is then that the vision changed, showing a disgruntled group of your citizens coming up to you and asking you to help them. The vision split into two different versions."

Time Tuner takes his turn to speak, "If you accepted their request, and changed the laws against males, then the world went on to live in peace. A new golden age, without enemy, without war, and prosperous."

Chem continues after him, "But, if you said no, then the group would try more drastic measures. It reaches the point that one reaches a level to face you, and the stallions manage to defeat you. Many are harmed, many families are torn apart, and other nations take advantage of your weakness. But, above all, is a male alicorn that rises to defeat you."

Celestia's eyes widen, "A male alicorn? Did the vison specify anything about him!?"

Chem shakes his head, "The only thing seen was that he almost glowed a white color."

Celestia shakes her head, "No, that's impossible, he wouldn't awaken because of me not giving up the stallion population!"

Chem stamps his hoof down, "Celestia, focus! Now exists the time for you to make a choice. Will you chose equality? Or war?"

Celestia looks over at him, "Why would you want to know?"

Chem takes his hood off, not noticing Spike slowly sneaking behind Celestia with his ribe still tight.

The others all take their own off, and Celestia nods, "Blueblood, Fancy Pants, Fluer, Derpy? Even you, Time Turner? After how may jobs I gave you? You do know I will not take this lightly, and you will not get another contract from me, right?"

Turner takes the verbal strike without moving, "I don't care, Celestia. This cause is beyond contacts, it's beyond me!"

Celestia scoffs, "So, your vision was false, and I have no reason to actually care about all of you. I've said this many times, as soon as the stallion population reaches a stable point, they will be made equal to mares."

Spike slowly moves behind Celestia, carrying a frying pan in his claws. He swings it, and knocks Celestia out with a blow to the back of her head.

Chem's eyes widen as an alarm starts to go off in the palace, "Oh shit! Everyone, cheese it!" He picks Spike up, and takes off into a hallway.

He runs quickly with a group of guards chasing after him.

He seems fine until he runs into someone. He looks to see Time Turner looking dazed, "Oh, this hallway goes in a square. Oh no, this hallway goes in a square!" Guards close in around them, and his eyes widen, "We're trapped!"

Chem looks around, looking for a way out.

He is blinded as the sun shines through a stained glass window next to him, and he puts a hoof on Turner's shoulder, "Come on, out the window!"

Turner looks at him, "You serious?!"

But Chem has already burst open the window with his elbow, and he prepares to jump out.

Turner and him jump out at the same time, with Spike grasped firmly in his hooves.

They fall to the ground, only to find something in the way.

They land on a cart of a sofa salesman, all three safe on the padded cushions.

But they knock it lose from it's holders, and the sofa starts to slip out of the cart.

It finally falls, and starts to slip down the street.


	7. Sofa

Ponies scream and dodge as the peaceful afternoon in Canterlot is ruined by three fucking idiots.

Turner screams the loudest as the couch starts to pick up speed down the cobbles streets, "What do we do?!"

Chem looks at his available resources, and comes up with a solution, "Spike got us into this mess, he'll get us out of it!"

He picks up Spike, and holds him to the right of the couch.

He yells, "Fire!"

Spike lets loose his fire out of pure fear, and the couch is shifted sideways.

Chem smiles and laughs, "It works!" He climbs up, looking down the street, "Right, quickly!"

Spike breathes once more, and they narrowly avoid a group of foals.

Chem shouts once more, "Left! Left!"

Spike rushes over, and continues his work.

Once again, they narrowly avoid something, a family of ducks in this case.

Time Tuner faces Chem, "We got fliers!"

Chem turns around to see a squad of pegasi guards flying high above him. He quickly uses his magic, and steals a slingshot from a kid they are passing by. He shoves it into Turner's hooves, "Shoot them!"

Time Turner fumbles with it, "Me?! I don't know how to use this!"

Another one joins them on the couch, as Derpy flies down to them. She takes the slingshot for herself, "I got it!"

She flies back into the air, and starts to shoot down the pegasi from up close.

Chem looks forward again, issuing another command, "Left! Turner, get on the right!""

Turner follows his commands, sliding over to the right side of the huge couch. He instantly spots what he is supposed to do.

Prince Blueblood is running in an ally, with a squad of guards giving him chase. He looks behind him, but hears Turner's voice, "Jump!"

Blueblood listens, and jumps as he exits the ally. He finds himself impacting a couch, and a brown hoof pulls him all the way on.

He looks around to see Chem issuing orders to Spike as they try to avoid any obstacles. Turner smiles at him, and Blueblood looks at the street, "Chem, we're going the wrong way!"

Chem looks over at him, "Then navigate us to the nearest gate!"

Blueblood jumps up, and begins issuing orders of his own, "Spike, ally on the left!"

Spike rushes to the right, causing Turner to move over. He breathes with all his strength, and they go flying into the ally, and onto another street.

Chem looks up in the air, seeing guards falling from the sky. Not dead, but unconscious. He turns his eyes to the ground, and sees another one of them running on the street.

Turner sees her as well, and looks at Chem, "If we add more weight to this thing, it will be uncontrollable!"

Chem nods, "Then I will remove weight!"

Tuner picks up on his meaning, quickly, "No, you'll be caught!"

Chem smiles, "Maybe I will, maybe I won't, doesn't really matter. You guys get away and I'm happy! Besides, when did danger ever stop me?"

He jumps off, and lands running on the cobbled street.

He shouts, "Fleur, to your right!"

She looks, and takes the hoof Turner offers her. She is pulled onto the couch, and it goes speeding away on the hilly path.

Turner looks back at Chem, seeing him being surrounded by guards.

Chem looks around him as guards encircle him, covering both ground and air. He smiles, "So, you're probably wondering how I ended up in this wacky situation."

One guard smirks, "Tell it to Celestia."

Chem raises an eyebrow, "You make it sound like you are going to take me to her. In reality, however, you have left my escape wide open."

He rushes at one of the guards, jumping through the air. He lands on the guard's head, and uses it to backflip onto the head of one of the pegasi guards. He then bounces off of them even higher up, landing on another pegasus head.

He flips off of them, and onto the roof of the building.

He lands confidently, and continues his previous run to the edge of the roof. Once again, he jumps, but he lands on the next building's roof.

He continues to parkour across the rooftops, with pegasi guards giving chase.

They almost catch up to Chem, until one of them have a rock fly and hit the side of their head.

Derpy flies down to Chem's level, letting loose with stones at the guards following him. Each shot rings true, and the guards eventually all fall.

Chem runs until he reaches the final rooftop. He looks down at the guards below, and jumps a final time.

In midair, his hoof is caught by Derpy, and she lifts him away. They both fly over the walls of Canterlot, far away from harm.

Down below, the couch nears the gates. However, the gates seem to be closed.

A unicorn stands on top of the wall, and he twirls a bag of gold around his hoof, "Well, all I'm saying is that opening that gate could mean I will accidentally drop this bag somewhere. Or, maybe more bags."

The mare cocks an eyebrow, "How many bags?"

Fancy sighs, "Well, hypothetically, six."

The mare hits the lever, opening the gates. Fancy smiles, and drops six bags of gold.

He walks to the edge of the wall, "Ta-ta, my dear!"

He vaults over it, but instead of hitting the ground, he hits a couch.

Turner looks at Fancy, and smiles. Fancy nods at him, "Where's Chem? Or Derpy?"

Turner points into the air, where they see two ponies soaring right above them. Fancy could almost swear that Chem smiled down at them.

The couch continues down the mountain, with the two floating above it.

———

The couch makes it's way through the Everfree, managing to dodge trees with Spike's fire.

They allow it to continue on, until it comes to an inevitable stop.

The five get off of it, and the other two fly down to meet them. Chem smiles, "Follow me, I think I saw something this way."

They move through the forest, until they come across a ravine. Turner looks across, "What is that?"

Chem smiles, and motions at the castle, "Our new home!" He then nods, "We need a base for our operations, right? And a castle makes sense. So welcome to Slane Castle!"


End file.
